Disappearing Act

If you are male, then you should stop reading right away. Seriously. STOP. You will regret it. If you are without children, then you should also stop reading. Seriously. It may cause you unnecessary worry. If you are a mother, then by all means continue reading. You may find yourself sympathizing with the lives of these two individuals. Or you may be thankful that your “friends” never succumbed to the…pressure. :)

OBITUARY

K’s Breasts, 29, of Tampa, FL passed away, or really just disappeared, on April 18, 2009 after a long battle with pregnancy, lactation, gravity, and two hungry boys.

They arrived in this world on August, 17, 1979 in Texas. While small at the time, they had a lot of potential and strived to reach that potential. While lacking in cleavage, by normal definition, they easily made it up with a good support system and extra fat. They led a full life, with both ups and downs (depending on type of dress and how fast K was running…) They traveled to far off places, enjoyed trying out different looks, and even married a wonderful man who truly appreciated them for who they were.

For most of their life, they worked in the lingerie department in area 32D. While they enjoyed this job immensely, nothing could compare to their role as milk deliverer to two young boys. It was in this job that they felt most needed and appreciated. It was a rewarding job, full of sacrifice and dedication. They first held this job in 2006 and were impressed with how much this new position made them “swell” with joy (or something...). They likened it to working in the 32DDD department at their previous job. There were some minor issues in the beginning, especially with spillage before and after deliveries, but nothing a few super-absorbent pads couldn’t handle.

In 2007, they took a temporary leave of absence from this position due to an aging clientele and company restructuring. They just weren’t needed anymore.

It was then that they suffered their first set-back. When returning to the lingerie department, they found they had been demoted to area 32C. They were shocked that after so many years of faithful service, this is how they were repaid! Because of this, their ego was deflated. It truly brought them down. They were able to rebound slightly with positions within the department that suited their new “experienced” selves better. However, they knew things would never be like they once were. They just didn’t fill this position like they once did.

Thankfully, their return to the lingerie department was short-lived. In 2008, they felt the calling to return to their milk delivery position. They said it was as if someone was screaming for them to return. They returned FULL of life and with a renewed sense of purpose. They were overflowing with love and pride for their new position. They gave all they had this time around…literally.

It was in this position that they died peacefully and willingly. The fight to stay up in the world was just too much for them to take. So they just laid down, never to return to the glory days of old.

While this may seem like a sad tale of two pillars in the community, we must remember the many years of dedicated service these two put into this world; And how willingly they gave up their life for the lives of two others. If you were to ask them, I know they would say they would do it all over again in a heartbeat. For the deliveries they made were more precious than gold. While the recipients of these deliveries will never know of KB’s sacrifice, their legacy will live on in the life of one young mother….much to her chagrin.

In lieu of flowers, the family is requesting that donations be made out to the KNB (Kelli’s New Breasts) Fund at Big Enhancement, Inc.

A viewing will be held everyday for the remainder of K’s life. However, it will be a closed viewing due to fear of fright amongst others. Seriously…just look the other way.


(Endnote: Not sure what in the world compelled me to write this...apparently I have too much time on my hands. :))